Grateful

There are many people in the world today who wonder how it is possible for a mother or parent to love multiple children equally. It would seem that love has its limits. I remember after having Jacob wondering how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved him. Then we had Caleb and I knew at that moment that love truly knows no bounds. Rather than your love being divided between children, it is simply multiplied exponentially. With the birth of each child, your love is increased more than you ever thought possible. I think it gives us just a slight insight to the love our Heavenly Father must feel for each and every one of his children.
With the birth of each baby, I've realized more and more just how quickly and fleeting the time is.Having a newborn baby is one of the most busy times of your life. Your job is literally 24-7. There are days when you're up most of the night caring for your baby, you finally get them to sleep around 7am and then the other kids wake up ready to go and you start to wonder just how you're going to make it through the day. But the time goes by all too quickly- in the blink of an eye that newborn baby is walking, then going to school. It almost doesn't seem fair. These realizations have made me really love and cherish the newborn baby stage, lack of sleep and all. I've loved all the stages we've had so far- baby, toddler, preschooler, and big kids. They all have parts that are hard, but they all have parts that are fun and wonderful. But there is something so incredibly precious and wonderful about a new baby, so fresh from heaven. They bring an incredible spirit and softness into your home. Quite literally, the most precious gift Heavenly Father could ever bless you with.
When I look at this beautiful, precious baby Courtney, my heart is just filled to overflowing with love and gratitude- just as it has with all of our children. I am so incredibly grateful. I cherish these days. I wish I could hold onto them forever. But these babies grow up, as we all have, and it is sweet and wonderful to watch them grow and learn. It's wonderful to see them grow into their own person with their own individual attributes and personalities. I am thankful for them and for everything they teach me. But part of me will always miss and cherish those sweet early days when they were tiny, precious, newborn babies in my arms.
There is a quote by Harold B. Lee that I absolutely love and have in my home. 

"Parents, remember that now is your opportunity. You may feel yourself harassed as you struggle through the days with children, but you are living the happiest and most golden years of your life."  

I love this quote and know it is true. Someday when our children are all grown and gone, when the house is quiet and perfectly clean all the time- we will miss these days. We will miss the noise and craziness, we will miss the messes, the laundry, the fingerprints, the busy schedules and endless practices and homework. On the days when I'm feeling frustrated about how much I haven't accomplished, I look at this quote and it puts my perspective back to where it needs to be. I am so lucky and so grateful to be living in these happiest and most golden years. I love my babies, I love my children. They are my everything. I am so grateful to be a mother.

Church with Seven

(04.21.13)

By the time you get to baby #5, you come to realize that there isn't a lot of down time. Basically from the time you come home you have to hit the ground running. I got home on Thursday after having Courtney on Tuesday. The very next day was busy with doctor appointments, errands to run, and a birthday to celebrate. I stayed home from church the first Sunday (I would have had to anyway since Matthew was sick) and I probably could have stayed home the following Sunday as well- but considering we'd already been all over the place- school, preschool, baseball practices, grocery store, church activities etc, I always feel kind of silly saying that I can't go to church when I've been doing everything else. It would be nice not to have so many places to be and things to do- I'd love to just be home with a sweet baby, but Jeff has to work, kids have places to be, and family lives 24 hours away. You just do what you have to. I do my best to make sure people aren't touching the baby, keep the hand sanitizer close, and off we go.
So we had our first full family church experience on April 21st when Courtney was just a week old. It went surprisingly well and she pretty much slept the whole time in her carseat- such a good baby.
As I was walking down the hallway to go play the piano in primary- our bishop caught me after sacrament meeting and asked if he could meet with me. My heart dropped a little as some different thoughts went through my mind. I thought I would be flying under the radar for a while with a new baby- especially since my current calling was primary pianist and there aren't many piano players in the ward. As it turned out, there was a new calling in store. Bishop Sullivan told me he had struggled with the idea of giving me this calling right at a time with a new baby and our busy lives. He said that he personally didn't like to and didn't usually give busy callings to moms with 2 week old babies and 5 young children. However, he told me, he had received a very direct answer that I needed to be called as the new Primary president. I was a little surprised and shocked, but also grateful it wasn't to be the new Young Women's president. :) Fortunately for me, I was able to call some wonderful and amazing women to be my counselors and secretary. (For journaling purposes: Val Jensen, Lindsay Tjarks, and Marjorie Weidhour). It is also comforting knowing that the Lord doesn't expect us to be completely perfect, or do things completely on our own- not only do we have support from presidency members, spouses, and the ward- most importantly we have the direction and assistance from our Heavenly Father, for which I am very grateful. I'm a little sad to be giving up my old calling, I absolutely love being the primary pianist- it really is one of the best callings ever- but I'm looking forward to the new calling and working with wonderful people. I'm also grateful that Jeff is so supportive- Especially knowing that he'll be the one getting kids ready for church twice a month while I attend ward council at 7am. I definitely couldn't do it without him.
We snapped a quick picture after church- I couldn't help but feel so grateful for my sweet little family that I love so much. We feel so blessed.

Newborn Pictures

When Jeff took the kids to church on Sunday (minus Matthew who was sick),  I decided to try and get a couple pictures of Courtney. It was fun to dress her up and take pictures. Those professional newborn photographers are amazing and it's a lot more work than you'd think, but it was fun to play. I especially enjoyed it because it helps to capture the moments and details, and helps me remember my sweet little newborn. Courtney was just 5 days old in most of these, and 10 days old in the last couple. They just grow up and change way too fast. I love and cherish these sweet newborn days.

Happy Birthday Jeff

 Jeff's birthday was on Friday, April 12th and Courtney's actual due date. Luckily, she decided to come early on Tuesday the 9th, so we were home the day before daddy's birthday. I knew it would probably be a little crazy on Jeff's birthday, so I had all the presents bought and wrapped the weekend before. My wonderful friend and neighbor Tania asked if she could bring dinner over Friday night. She is a fabulous cook- we enjoyed a fantastic dinner of ribs, homemade macaroni and cheese, glazed carrots and even a birthday cake and card. Definitely a much better meal than I would have pulled off with a 3-day old baby! I'm so grateful for wonderful friends.

 We kept everything pretty simple- the decorations were pretty basic, but the kids were excited to give dad all the gifts. He got some new clothes, a new gym bag, a gift card for a 1 hour massage, and some new squash equipment. He was pretty excited about it. We opened gifts then did cake and ice cream. I had bought some cute candles that also happened to be the re-lighting kind. It was a feat in and of itself to get all 36 candles lit in the first place- but it was even funnier to watch Jeff blow them out and watch them continue to relight. The kids thought it was hilarious!

 After cake and ice cream we got all the kids in bed and then just enjoyed spending some time together. Pretty much meaning we sat in the living room and watched Courtney. We both agreed that really the very best gifts we have as parents is our children. Courtney was the sweetest gift we had that day. We both love this precious newborn stage- it passes all too quickly and you have to enjoy it as much as you can. I think we were both tired enough that we were in bed by about 10pm. Happy Birthday Jeff! Welcome to life. :)

Courtney's Story

I had a very normal, uneventful pregnancy with Courtney up until about 37 weeks. As has happened with every single one of my pregnancies, towards the end I start to measure really small. When they measure my stomach, I generally measure about 3-4 weeks behind. I also usually stop gaining weight after about week 32/33. My doctor was aware of my history and wasn't overly concerned, but after about 3 weeks of no measured growth, she decided to just send me for an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good. 

     When I went for the ultrasound, they looked at everything and took measurements. I was watching the screen and with each measurement, the estimated gestational week would be about 33-34 weeks when I was 37.5. After the ultrasound was finished, the head of the maternal-fetal medicine department came in and told me that I was measuring about 33.5 weeks and our baby was measuring small- about 5 pounds which would put her in the 3rd percentile. Anything below the 5th is considered to be in the growth-restricted category. They said that everything looked good, but they were concerned that our baby might not have grown at all since about 33 weeks. They said that they wanted to monitor me a couple times a week- one ultrasound a week, one non-stress test, and my regular OB appointment. And if I didn't go into labor on my own, they wanted to induce me at 39 weeks because it wouldn't be helping anything to let a pregnancy continue if the baby wasn't growing, and the risk of a still birth is much higher if a baby is growth restricted. 

     I hadn't been too concerned at first, since this has happened every single time. But after the ultrasound, measurements and warnings, I started to worry that maybe this baby really was small and maybe had stopped growing. I met with my doctor again afterwards. She said she thought that everything was probably fine- especially given my history- but wanted to follow the recommendations of the specialists, so we sent a date for induction for April 9th, which would be 39 weeks and 4 days. We were both hoping I would just go into labor on my own before then, but if not, she was planning to just break my water and let things take their course.

(Last pregnancy picture- 39 weeks- 4 days before Courtney was born) 

Well the next couple weeks went by pretty uneventful. There was one night that I had some contractions, but they stopped and nothing really happened. As the time got closer, I just kept waiting but nothing was happening. I started to feel frustrated about the whole situation. I don't mind being pregnant, and I don't mind going right up to my due date. I've been fortunate that pregnancies are usually pretty good and I feel great even at the end. I have no desire to be induced early- I would much rather just wait and let things happen on their own. I felt like I had no choice but to have an induction, but I also wanted the best for our baby and didn't want something to happen to our baby just because I didn't want to be induced. I had been induced with Jacob, and everything turned out just fine, but I know that my labors can go very quickly when they happen on their own and I didn't want to have an unnecessarily long labor because my body wasn't ready. I would always have wondered when I would have gone into labor on my own, and how the labor and delivery would have been different. I just felt frustrated. Jeff gave me a beautiful blessing one night that really provided a lot of comfort and reassurance that everything would work out the way that it should.

I kept hoping that the labor would just start, but when I woke up Monday morning, I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would just be induced Tuesday morning at 8:30am. I started to try and think of the good from the situation- I was able to make plans for kids and get everyone situated and Jeff was able to plan his schedule around the delivery as well. I decided to make Monday a fun day to do all the last things before welcoming our baby. Matthew and Emily and I had a nice lazy morning at home- we had a yummy breakfast, watched a movie, and I gave them a bubble bath. When Matthew went to preschool, Emily and I went out shopping for a couple last things for Jeff's birthday. That evening we enjoyed dinner as a family, then Jeff took the kids to swimming lessons while I finished up some last things and enjoyed a nice relaxing bath & book. Rather than worry about it, I decided to just turn it over to the Lord and trust that everything would turn out the way it should.

I find it so interesting, and sometimes wonder why I have to relearn this lesson so often. Once again, Heavenly Father showed me just how aware he is of me. But it usually isn't until after we struggle for a while, and it most often seems to be the eleventh hour that He lets the miracles happen. Many people would call it coincidence, but I know it was definitely an answer to a prayer, and sincere desire of the heart. I woke up early Tuesday morning feeling kind of uncomfortable. I had a few contractions but nothing regular. I got up and did a few things because I couldn't sleep, and finally crawled back into bed at 4am. I would have a contraction, then nothing for 20 minutes. Finally at about 5am, I started having painful contractions that were regular, about 5-7 minutes apart, and knew that labor had started. After waiting for a little while, I finally decided it was the real thing and Jeff and I got ready and then I called my friend Laurie. This was another small miracle in the whole big picture. I had had many people offer to help with kids when the time came for baby, but I still wasn't quite sure what I would do if it was the middle of the night. It makes it hard when everyone has kids of their own that they need to get to school and take care of- I knew people were willing but I didn't want to cause stress for someone else. One night, after thinking about it for quite some time, I got on my knees and asked Heavenly Father if he would just please send someone that would offer sincerely to be there if I needed them. The very next day at church, my good friend Laurie came up to me and told me that she had been thinking of me and that she really wanted me to call her if I went into labor in the night. Her husband is between jobs at the moment and would be able to be home with their kids. She was adamant about it, and I knew it truly was an answer to a prayer. That was another thing I had about the induction- I felt as though I was taking things out of the Lord's hands and trying to force things to happen a certain way. I definitely know the Lord let everything happen just the way it was meant to. 

Laurie came over about 5:40 and Jeff and I left for the hospital. There was a storm that was just starting to pick up, as we got to the hospital the rain had turned into a freezing rain that was leaving a sheet of ice over everything. As it turned out, it ended up being a really bad storm that covered everything in a 1/2 inch sheet of ice. We got a call from the school district about 6:30am that school was cancelled. Not what I wanted to hear as I was in labor at the hospital! Right afterwards, I immediately got a call from another friend, Kristie, who was planning on taking Jacob and Caleb after school to see if she could come over and pick them up and also take Matthew and Emily to my friend Val's house (who was so kind to watch them during the day that also happened to be her birthday!). We've always lived far from family during the births of all of our children, and once again I couldn't help but feel so incredibly grateful for wonderful friends who made everything possible and who were so kind and thoughtful in every way. I don't know how we could have done it this time without Kristie, Val, and Laurie.

We checked in about 6am at the hospital. Everyone thought it was funny that I went into labor on my own on the day I was scheduled. They took me right down to the room they had reserved for me for my scheduled 8:30 induction- pretty convenient! I got all changed and they checked me- I was at a 6. My doctor, Dr Uhing, wouldn't be there until 7am, and the nurses told me that hopefully I could hold out until then when she would get there. In the back of my mind, I was thinking that probably wouldn't happen because my labors can be very fast-my last was only 2 hours total- but at that point the contractions were still about 5-7 minutes apart and I was getting through them just fine. With this delivery, I was planning on doing it naturally without an epidural or anything. I've had 2 deliveries with an epidural and 2 deliveries naturally and actually prefer natural. As silly as it might sound, it is an incredibly spiritual experience and an experience where I truly rely on and feel close to my Heavenly Father. It was nice because I told the nurses from the start that I wanted a natural delivery, and they were all very supportive through the whole thing.

I ended up going for an hour, getting through the contractions fine. It was nice to be able to just walk around rather than be stuck on a bed. I visited with Jeff and the nurses between the contractions and sat quietly concentrating during the contractions. I thought it was funny-at one point one of the nurses told me that I could yell or grunt during the contractions if I needed to. In my head I was thinking, "Why?! That would waste energy and I really don't think it would help- probably just make me laugh!" I know it works great for some, but it's just not me.

 At 7am my doctor arrived. She was surprised and happy to see that I had gone into labor on my own. (as was I!) When she checked me again, much to my surprise, I was still only at a 6 and my cervix was still pretty posterior. It was a little disappointing to hear, but considering the contractions hadn't been that intense and close together yet, I decided it would just take longer. Towards 8am, the contractions started coming closer together, every 3-5 minutes, and were definitely getting more painful and intense. I was still getting through them alright, but I was starting to feel more tired. The whole labor process is a physical challenge, but I think it is even more of a mental challenge. Our bodies are capable of tolerating incredible things, but if we let our minds start to falter, that's when we struggle. I had a brief moment where I wondered if I could really do this again. It is during that time that my heart was poured open to my Heavenly Father, pleading for his help. I knew I couldn't do it on my own. How grateful I was to feel his spirit and renewed strength. I don't know of many things more trying and painful than childbirth. Sometimes it's just knowing that you will be facing it alone physically that makes it so intimidating- people are around you, and I was grateful to have Jeff with me- but at the same time, it is you alone feeling the pain. I am so grateful I don't have to do it alone, there is tremendous comfort knowing that a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there to strengthen and uplift us. 

Dr Uhing came in to check me again at 8am. I couldn't believe it when she said that I was at an 8, and that the baby was much lower than before, but the cervix was still slightly posterior. I started to wonder just how long it was going to take!  Dr Uhing also asked if my water had broken because she couldn't feel it. I told her I was pretty sure that it hadn't. This is another thing that has happened almost every time- my water never breaks until right at the very end and often times, they can't tell because they don't feel it. Anyway, Dr Uhing and the nurses said that the baby was probably lodged a bit crookedly which was preventing her from fully coming down. Right about then I had some pretty painful contractions and my water finally broke. From that moment, it was the intense transition stage and I immediately went to a 10 and was ready to push. They got everything ready quickly, and after just a couple pushes, Courtney Ann Stevens was born at 8:25am. 

As soon as she was born, Dr Uhing happily observed that she was definitely not a small, growth restricted baby. She ended up being 7 pounds 2 ounces and 20 inches long, my 2nd biggest baby and just perfect. They took that sweet, beautiful little baby girl and laid her on my chest. I was immediately filled with such a feeling of intense love and gratitude that I was brought to tears. I was so incredibly grateful for this beautiful, amazing, perfect, sweet little baby and my heart was so filled with gratitude towards my Heavenly Father for all of his help. For allowing everything to work out so perfectly, for helping me through the labor and delivery, and for blessing our lives with a sweet, beautiful baby girl. I don't know if there is anything quite like that moment- from the most incredible, intense pain you can imagine to complete relief and joy. Those truly are some of the most beautiful, wonderful moments of a lifetime.

Courtney was such a sweet baby right from the start. She cried some, but then was calm when they put her on my chest. The nurses had to make her cry in order to help clear her lungs. It was wonderful to just sit there and hold this sweet baby so fresh from heaven. I loved being able to just hold her and take everything in- her sweet little features, her fingers and toes, her adorable little squished nose and breathe in her sweet newborn scent. I loved that beautiful moment with Jeff and our sweet baby girl. 

My absolutely wonderful doctor, Molly Uhing.

I love this picture of Jeff and Courtney. It is one of my favorites from the whole experience. I still remember exactly how I was feeling as I took this picture from my hospital bed of my sweet husband with his new little daughter.

Although the world was spinning on, everyone rushing about their business, an intense storm raging on outside; there was a quiet moment in a dim hospital room, as a precious new baby entered the world. Such a sweet spirit that filled the room. For a moment, nothing else existed. 

For just a moment, time stood still. 

Jeff stayed for a while before heading back to pick up our kids. I was able to enjoy holding our new sweet little girl and tried to get a little sleep before Jeff made it back with the kids. I'm sure it was because I didn't sleep well the night before, and the labor lasted 3.5 hours, but I felt more tired after this labor and delivery than any of the others. It was so fun when the kids came back with Jeff. They were so excited to meet their new little sister. Every one of them was so sweet and gentle with her. It was such a wonderful experience to have our entire family gathered together.

The view from my hospital room.

 This was before the 2nd storm that brought 10 inches of snow.  It was crazy just sitting in my bed that first night watching the snow just come down. It really felt more like December or January, you'd never guess we were well into April!

It was fun to have a visit from our good friends, the Jensen's. And it's so fun that Courtney shares her birthday will Val.

This hospital experience was a little different than all my others in that they actually encouraged you to be up and moving around after delivery. In the past it seemed like the nurses always took the baby where they needed to go, people brought your food, and you were wheeled in a wheelchair to your car. Not here, and I really kind of liked it! When it was check-out time, we got all our things and walked out. No wheelchair necessary. 
I walked down to get all of my meals at the little self-serve cafe. It was actually really nice- there were three great meals a day (different options at each one) and it was open 24 hours with little snacks, fruit, bagels, milk, etc. I'll admit one of my favorites were the little 4oz cups of sherbet ice cream. For some reason they just taste sooo good after having a baby! The other nice thing was that the cafe was for you and your family- so when Jeff came with the kids, they would have lunch or dinner there too. I loved the workers- they were always asking if they could make up something special for the kids.  
During your stay, you were able to choose a free spa service- there were lots of different options from manicures to pedicures, hair cuts, massages, etc. I chose a 30 minute massage and it was heavenly! I sometimes wish I could have had more of our kids here!

It ended up being quite a week for the weather. We had the ice storm on the day Courtney was born, and the following day we ended up getting about 10 inches of snow on top of the ice. It was just crazy to look out the window the 2nd week of April and see a winter wonderland. It actually ended up causing quite a bit of damage. The poor trees just couldn't take the weight of the ice and snow. Their branches were bending and breaking, and many trees just completely toppled over. There were over 100,000 people without power at some point. Some people were without power for days. The roads were a mess between the ice and snow and trees/branches that covered them. I was actually thinking it was probably a good time to be in the hospital! The power went out a couple times for a couple seconds at the hospital, but their generators came on immediately. As crazy as it was, the kids ended up being out of school for the entire week! It made it a little busy for Jeff, but they had lots of fun playing outside and sledding down our hill with friends and Kristie had the boys over to play as well. We ended up loosing a couple trees, but thankfully kept our power throughout the ordeal. It just seemed crazy that all of this was happening during mid-April. I went to the hospital in a light jacket in springtime and came home feeling like I'd been in a time warp- that somehow I'd been transported to the middle of winter. The ride home from the hospital was pretty crazy and a little depressing. It was good to get home though- even with Jeff going right back to work the next day and me home with all the kids. We'll definitely have some good stories to tell during Courtney's birth week!

Our home and poor trees